Book review of why marriages succeed or fail by john gottman

Gottman gathered research by looking at many married couples. He would have their arguments recorded on tapes while they were at home or have them discuss conflicts in front of him. Gottman was able to use questionnaires and phone calls to learn ab

The volatile problem-solving method occurs when couples bicker about many little things. Couples with this approach fight on a larger scale, with a lot of engagement during the discussions. These couples have little interest in hearing their partner’s side of the argument. They skip part one which is listening to each other and move right into trying to persuade one another. Not only will these couples express more anger but they will also express more laughter and emotions in all circumstances. These couples tend to see themselves as equal and as individuals, which is something they believe should be emphasized within the marriage. They are open regarding positive and negatives things, and Gottman finds that these marriages tend to be the most passionate and exciting. On the other hand these arguments can get out of control and lead to a highly unstable marriage. The goal these types of couples are looking for is to find a balance between the frequent arguments that they have.

From his research Gottman found three main styles of marital problem solving: validating, avoiding and volatile. The first style of validation occurs when couples in conflict take the time to let their partners know that they consider their emotions and opinions valid even if they do not agree with them. These couples will listen to each other’s sides of the argument instead of ignoring or denying that there is a problem. Gottman found that these couples would use nonverbal cues to let the other know that they are listening. This idea of mutual respect lend to a lesser amount of arguments between couples. Once the couples let each other state their views they moved to a second stage in which they tried to persuade the other, and finally in the last stage they move to a compromise that both can live with.

Gottman suggests that men and women need different approaches to improve emotional functioning. He advises men to respond more openly to complaints from t

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