These questions came to Judith Wallerstein, author of the book The Good Marriage. Based on a study on fifty couples who declared their marriages as happy ones, The Good Marriage offers different views of the most complex of human relationships and how these marriages succeeded. Wallerstein and coauthor Sandra Blakeslee describe the four basic types of marriage: romantic, rescue, companionate and traditional.

The first type is the romantic marriage, which has at its foundation a lasting, passionately sexual relationship. A couple in a romantic marriage often shares the sense that they were destined to be together. “Exciting, sensual memories of their first meeting and courtship retain a glow over the years and are a continuing part of the bond between them” (Wallerstein, 1995, p.22). Fifteen percent of the happily married couples in the study fell

The first task is to separate emotionally from the families of childhood, commit to the relationship, and build new connections with the extended families. Husband and wife help each other complete the transition into adulthood. The second task is to build togetherness through intimacy and to expand the sense of self to include the other, while each individual keeps also their own autonomy. The third task is to expand the circle to include children, taking the new roles of parenthood from infancy to time when the child leaves home, while maintaining the emotional richness of the marriage. The challenge of this task is to maintain a balance between raising children and nurturing the couple’s relationship. The fourth task is to cope with crisis including illness, death and natural disasters, in ways to improve the relationship despite suffering. The fifth task is to make the relationship safe for expressing differences, anger, and conflict which are inevitable in any marriage. The challenge is to find ways to resolve the differences without being violent, selfish or giving away one heart’s desire. The sixth task is to establish a pleasurable sex life that will last. “Creating a sexual relationship that meets the need and fantasies of both people requires time and love and sensitivity” (Wallerstein, 1995, p. 332). This aspect of the marriage requires a special protection in order to flourish because of the interferences of stresses of work and family life, or the sexual desire changes unpredictably. The seventh task is to share laughter and humor and to keep interest alive in the relationship. A good marriage, according to Wallerstein is alternately playful and serious, sometimes flirtatious, sometimes difficult and cranky, but always full of life. The eighth task is to provide the emotional nurturance and encouragement that all adults need throughout their lives. Finally, the ninth task is the one that sustains the vivid images and fantasies of courtship and at the same time looking at the present time in their marriage. It is feeling the same “magic” of love throughout the years, but maturing through the experiences. “It is the double vision that keeps love alive in the real world” (Wallerstein, 1995, p.333).

I have learned from this book, The Good Marriage that happy marriages come in different shapes and sizes. As I was reading the different description of marriages, I would say “I want this for my marriage,” then I would read another one and think the same thing. The rule of life says that we cannot choose our parents or ou

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