Recently, I asked a group of young adults what qualities they valued in a romantic relationship with a partner. Most of them agreed on these four qualities: trust, honesty, romance, and reciprocity. Reciprocity means that one partner can always rely on the other in times of need. A favor doesn’t necessarily have to be returned, but the other partner will usually return it because they want to. One of my interviewees said, “My relationship feels more secure when I know my partner will be there for me anytime I need her.”

In the book, Insights: Readings in Social Psychology, Rubin states a t

Another theory is that we are attracted to others in whom we see the opportunity for self expansion. Researchers have identified similarity as a major predictor of attraction. This research doesn’t really explain the sayings of “birds of a feather flock together” and the notion that “opposites attract.” According to Psychologist Shelley Wu, “the contradictions merely reflect the roles similarity plays in different phases of a relationship” (Psychological theories about the Dynamics of Love). In the beginning, similarity serves as a “precondition variable,” which is if a relationship is even possible. After the perceived possibility the opposite of this precondition variable determines the development of the relationship. Later on dissimilarity rather than similarity makes a person believe that the relationship offers an opportunity for self expansion, therefore worth maintaining.

When we say we are “in love” with someone that is passionate love. These feelings include arousal, sexual attraction, and intense emotions that are shared by both partners. “When passionate love is reciprocated we feel fulfillment and ecstasy” (Insights 297). “When it’s not [reciprocated] we suffer despair and depression” (Insights 297). In our Western culture most of us could not imagine marrying someone who we were not passionately in love with. As stated in the Encyclopedia of Psychology, “typically, passionate love begins at a high level and gradually declines over time” (Kazdin 83). Studies show that this pattern is quite variable. For some people passionate love may remain at very high levels even after decades of marriage.

Yet, I don’t value my relationship just for what my boyfriend does for me. I enjoy his company, our talks, jokes, memories, intimacy, and the honesty and trust that we share.

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