I am wandering in the desert. The sun beats down mercilessly upon the white sands. I can faintly recall the forest, its cool green leaves, the bursts of color here and there and the stillness at night where rest can be found. But as for now I see nothing but the endless sea of dunes and heat. This is what its like to be depressed, to wander in a desert of despair, barely remembering anything about the beautiful forest. I began to see everything as a shadow of what it could be and to learn to look for imperfection in all things. My mind raced through confusion and darkness not seeing any light in existence.

My father died. Did I mention that? I don

Who was in control? I still am unsure whether I controlled my mind or it controlled me. Eventually I grew socially and acquired a few friends. I was happy sometimes but afterwards would always follow a deep recession. I could never prolong joy. At length I decided that if I couldnt be happy most of the time then I would attempt to be sad all the time. This seeming like a logical conclusion I thus attempted to be the best depressed individual that I could be. I lost myself in music which gave me a pathway through which to vent my frustration and sorrow. I continued to spend time with my friends but with always this persona of what a depressed person should be like in mind. God Himself seemed to have left life up to me and seemingly took no part in mine. My striving to be the most depressed I could be led to a downward spiral where I had wandered so far in the desert that I could no longer see the forest.

t mean to change too quickly but thats where I believe it all began. I think about his death little and can only speculate as to its effect on me. My father dying of cancer sent a shockwave through my entire family and a part of everyone was lost with him. After this I traveled down a lonely path on my way to becoming a young adult. Without guidance, save God, I found independence and loneliness went hand in hand. I performed well in academics, music, and sports but never tried to excel socially. There was no point. All relationships lead to in the end is pain and death. So I wandered in my desert, occasionally glancing back toward the forest I once knew.

Some topics in this essay:
Hamlet Hamlet, , life despair experience, people worst life, despair experience joy, worst life despair, desert despair, experience joy living, joy living, worst life, experience joy, despair experience, people worst, calamities life, god found, peace knowing, life despair,