The reason this book is written is because it involves an emotion that pretty much everybody has felt at least in one point of their life. “Love is simply a fact of life,” says Dr. Schaeffer. It seems that no one can escape its effects but the reasons that the feelings may be good or bad are anything but simple. Another thing that everyone seems to have is addictive tendencies. This list can include food, exercise, spending money, religious

Avoiding an unhealthy, addictive relationship, and striving for a healthy one can be characterized by the following: allowing for individuality, experiencing both oneness with and separateness from a partner, bringing out the best qualities in each other, accepting endings, experiencing openness to change and exploration, inviting growth in each other, experiencing true intimacy, feeling the freedom to ask honestly for what is wanted, giving and receiving in the same way, not attempting to change or control the other, encouraging self-sufficiency of partners, accepting limitations of self or partner, not seeking unconditional love, accepting commitment, having high self-esteem, trusting the memory of the beloved, enjoying solitude, expressing feelings spontaneously, welcoming closeness while risking vulnerability, caring with detachment, affirming equality and personal power of self and partner (Schaeffer 1987).

Almost all love relationships contain some elements of addiction (Schaeffer 1987). If we want to achieve mature love, we need to create a system of “self parenting that offers unconditional self-love, wise self-guidance, and strong self-support (Schaeffer 1987).” Reaching that point requires identifying the characteristics of addictive love. These traits differ and at the same time all point to addiction: feeling consumed, unable to define ego boundaries, exhibiting sadomasochism, fear of letting go, fearing risk, change and the unknown, experiencing little individual growth, not experiencing true intimacy, playing psychological games, giving to get something back, attempting to change one another, need for the other to feel complete, seeking solutions outside the self, demanding and expecting unconditional love, refusing to commit themselves, looking to others for affirmation and worth, fearing abandonment when routinely separated, recreating old, negative feelings, the desire for, yet fear of, closeness, attempting to take care of others’ feelings, and playing power games (Schaeffer 1987).

Moving from addiction to love is a process. First one must remember that most relationships have elements of addiction. This is spawned from not having one hundred percent of our needs met during our childhood (Schaeffer 1987). Our parents’ occasional failures became our weaknesses and we strive to get from others what we failed to get (Schaeffer 1987). Second, one must keep in mind that addictive love is perceived as crucial for survival – so in that case it will not be easily given up (Schaeffer 1987). Third, only you can discover the purpose behind your psychological reasons for addiction (Schaeffer 1987). Fourth, strive for intimacy with yourself, as self-sufficiency and self-knowledge can be the keys to freedom (Schaeffer 1987). Fifth, one must remember that this is a process and there is hope (Schaeffer 1987).

Every day our society encourages us to find addictive relationships. Our culture idealizes, dramatizes and models dependency (Schaeffer 1987). Dependent love is shown in music, books, movies and all these reality shows that make us feel like we cannot live without a significant other in our lives. Most of America

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