When did I become an enabler, or have I always practiced this behavior? .
An enabler does not want to be seen as mean, uncaring or unreasonable. The enabling behavior can start as an attempt to be kind and helpful to a loved one who might suffer from an addiction or illness -- by taking care of their responsibilities that they should be doing themselves. Enabling is done with the very best intentions. When enabling occurs with a person who is struggling with alcohol or drug addiction, the enabler is doing more harm than good. These enabling behaviors hurt the addict by not allowing him or her to experience the consequences of his or her destructive behaviors and decisions. We are allowing them to continue to engage in their destructive lifestyles. We pay their bills, bail them out of jail, repeatedly give them money, make excuses for their behavior, call into work for them, believe their lies, try to fix their addiction problem, and give them chance after chance. An addict is the master of "give me one more chance." These are just a few of the many actions the enabler performs. I was doing all of these and more.
The enabler becomes so used to performing these tasks that they become routine. We become used to helping him or her avoid any negative consequences of their behavior. In reality, we are doing them more harm than good. It seems like I have been taking care of my brothers, Terry and Michael, my whole life. We lived with a wonderful foster family, but we were a unit unto ourselves within this family. We looked out for one another. We were like the three musketeers, one for all and all for one. I felt that I needed to protect them both from anything that was mean or ugly. I would take the blame and the punishment for any wrongdoing. I would do their chores and I would share any money that I had if they wanted or needed something. I was like a little mother hen. This behavior continued throughout our lives and into adulthood.
