As the morning sets in, I keep wondering if the pain shooting up and down my spine would pass. I hardly have the energy to get up, but I know I have to. Have to run for miles a day, come rain, snow, bitter cold or searing heat. I will run from the pain and in fright.
I sat down, to have breakfast with my family; my gaze crept from the plate on the table to my thighs on the chair. They were already swelling, as the stringy legs dangled. Mum stared at me as I took the first bite, and them she looked away. It was a sign of relief. She probably noticed the dark circles under my eyes showing how tired I was from burning up the calories from last night's dinner.
I don't know how long "till I"ll be discovered, but I know for sure, I do not want to be.
And little did I know that I was due for an appointment at the doctors. Walking through the bright white corridors, I felt bad and guilty, like I had done something wrong and being there was my punishment. I wanted to feel better, but not the kind of better that gaining weight would bring. I wanted to feel better from the pain that had been locked up in me before I"d quit eating, the sense that I was invisible, except if I was misbehaving or inadequate. After long day at the hospital the diagnosis was obvious. Anorexia.
Dieting is what got me started. A movement of body and soul entering into an adventure under the sign of hunger and that's all it is. However, the stomach hurts, body and thought loose focus. Only much later I realized, that my efforts mark the boundary of body and soul. .
On one side - the pain, the hunger, the devastating work, on the other - the wish for beauty, love joy and hope. My body inhibits and constrains me. All around, time goes to waste. I thought that in taking up dieting, I could reach a kind of comforting fullness and unity. Only afterwards nothing is ever the same. Behind the digits on the scale, I watch this illness spread its wings and take me over forever.
