This works, in a perfect world. But for the most part, we don't live in a perfect world, and as the child grows older he/she finds problems with parents. But this isn't necessarily the child's fault; but there is the fear that if the child accepts his/her parents, that he or she will also need to take on the parent's badness. It is important, however, for the child to accept it all, the good and the bad, in order to embrace the fullness of life. But not all children or even adult children are able or ready to do this. The goal, Hellinger acknowledges, is for the child to say to his/her parents that he/she accepts everything the parent has to offer, with appreciation and love, the idea is that the child will take care of the remainder him/herself. In this scenario, "the parents have completed their work, and the children are free to live their lives with respect for their parents, without being dependent on them- (Hellinger, 2002).
But when it comes to a situation in which the child is not filled enough with love to begin with, and feels the parent still owes him/her, that's when trouble starts. In such a situation, children can't separate from parents, because accusations and demands continue to tie them to their parents. The result is that these children "feel empty, needy and weak- (Hellinger, 2002).
But much of this is not necessarily the child's fault, rather the child is already pre-programmed based on ancestry and preconceived notions that are placed in his/her head from family members and extended family members. Trying to solve this is one aspect that Hellinger tries to tackle in his book.
In fact, Hellinger's theories go a long way toward explaining how a father who is abusive toward his son ends up raising a son who actually becomes abusive toward his own child. But there are times, even when children are raised in the best of homes, that they might become ill, addicted to drugs, killing other people, or even killing themselves (Hellinger, 2002).
