My revised informative essay has come out to be a complete different paper than my original final draft. Reading over my old essay, and comparing it with the rubric provided gave me an understanding of what I had done wrong. My paper had lacked primary research. With only one interview with a football player, I had only referred to a primary source once and used secondary sources throughout the rest of the paper. The lack of primary research failed to meet the assignment expectations. Furthermore, I had written a disorganized series of body paragraph which didn't transition smoothly. I included a history of communication in football as the first paragraph, which seemed to go too much into detail and became irrelevant to the thesis. I also had trouble organizing the information into appropriate sections, and ended up writing too much about minor aspects of communication. .
After reading the instructors comments, and comparing my paper with the rubric, I broke the paper up into the different sections highlighting the different aspects of communication. I relate the hook in my introduction into my thesis, and stated the thesis more clearly at the end of my introduction. I interviewed two more players in order to allow the primary research to drive my paper . I also shortened the history of communication in the NFL to keep it relevant, and added it towards the end. In my opinion the most important revision I made was presenting the different areas of communication chronologically, which allowed them to transition more properly. .
Communication on the Gridiron.
Picture this: you're the starting quarterback of an NFL team. It's 4th and 7 and your coach has trusted you to make the play. Three yards away on the opposite side of the line of scrimmage, there are 11 defenders, ruthless as assassins, who want nothing more than to ruin your day. The screaming of the 80,000 fans that have packed the stadium to see you play has reached a crescendo.