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Engineering Masters Program Paper

            The short essay that I choose is called a short personal statement from an engineer applying to a masters program. As I was reading this, I felt that the author was talking about himself too much. I know the purpose of the paper is to give off a personal statement, but I felt like the author spent most of his space talking about his past accomplishments. If I were to re-write it, I would put more information in it which talks about what I am going to do in the future with the help of the college. A question that I have after reading this is how are you going to balance out your work life with your studies? I know he mentioned it a couple times that he would be successful at the task, but I want to know specifically how you plan on completing the task. .
             The introductory paragraph contains information pertaining to his current work position and how he first got the idea of being in that position. He then goes on to say that he used the story as motivation to attain a position that he wanted. I think that this is a strong way to start a personal statement. It has the word personal in it so why not tell a story that others would not know. It also catches the reader's eye in some ways. This happens because it starts out with a story rather than diving straight into boring stuff like many other documents. .
             The body paragraphs talk about his journey throughout his career. He made his way up by being successful and winning awards and special positions. He was able to do this because he was good at his job, to provide safety to people. They also talk about how he was involved in a lot of research projects to better the future of safety. There is a lot of talking about awards that he earned and then it transitions into the knowledge that he has gained from doing all of the past projects and how he can take that and grow it more to benefit the future of safety. I think that he put too many paragraphs in the body that talked about every single award and success story.


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