Seeing her brings a smile to my face and a catch in my throat. She is so strong! I am not sure I will ever understand why she keeps doing this, everyday, taking those children by the hand, guiding them, loving them, teaching them. Working, living, laughing, not just existing or walking around in a daze like I feel I do. And it is not just with them, not just those kids at the school, it's her at the store, at church, at the doctor, and more painfully, here at home with us. But I know, that the minute she closes her bedroom door, the times when dad is not with her, I hear her cry, I hear her pain. I just cannot understand why she hides it, why won't she let us help comfort her? Why won't she let us talk about it?.
Mom was diagnosed 3 years ago, we fought it, but now 2 months ago we were all ushered into the living room and told it was back. Now she refuses to tell her anyone else. Dad, Lisa and I are the only ones who know. She won't stop working until she has to, she will not stop doing her routine until she has to, nor will she stop living until she has to.
Why is she doing this? Why does she continue to act like this? Although she has been this way my whole life, and I know that it is not an act with her. Still, why won't she let anyone help? Why won't she go back and have the treatments again? It worked last time after all, we gained 3 whole years! But no, we all sit here waiting for that day to come, when she can no longer pull herself up in bed, and forget driving or even dressing herself for that matter. Funny thing is I know her smile will still be there, and she will still want to reach out to everyone else and try to help them in their pain and sorrows. .
It is only a matter of time, and I am so angry! I hear her laughter from the kitchen, and as I sit here in the living room with my homework in front of me, I cannot seem to stop the blurring of my eyes. I grit my teeth and scream inside, "NO!" I just do not understand why there is no fighting this time.
