When training would start in September, the weight would fall of me naturally. I clearly remember that during my last year of high school a judge at a gymnastics competition told me that I had become too developed in the bust to be a gymnast and that she had lowered my score because of my appearance. I took this as a sign that my days as a competitive gymnast were at an end. This comment has never left me and I can picture the moment as if it was yesterday, and not 20 years ago. When I left home for University I decided to end my gymnastics career even though I could have continued on the university level, which is much more lenient about body shape and performance than elite gymnastics. After leaving gymnastics, I maintained my previous eating habits without the energy expenditure, so over the next year or so I began to put on weight. I can now vividly remember my first diet. I went to weight watchers to try to take off the unwanted pounds that I had put on. When that didnt seem to have the desired effect for any length of time, I started aerobics and weight training. The pattern for the rest of my life was now set. To me food became intrinsically connected to guilt. When I eat properly I am "good" and when I eat too much or dont exercise enough I am "bad". I dont remember the first time I stuck my finger down my throat in order to vomit, but it must have been during my first year at university. It is a sad fact of my existence that even today a day doesnt go by without my thinking about the subject of weight at least once and usually more than once. Rationally, I realize that I am by no means medically overweight, but this realization doesnt seem to count for much in my mind. My dietician tries to tell me that I should accept my body weight and go on living a healthy life, eating and exercising in proportion, but the feelings of guilt never go away. Today I exercise six times a week and watch what I eat, but I cant say I am cured of my eating disorder even though I havent forced myself to vomit for a number of years.